Communication

Communication while dating
Having open and venerable conversations with your significant other can be awkward or even embarrassing. When I first started dating my husband, Ben, I had a hard time communicating with him. I just wanted him to read my thoughts and recognize my wants/needs instead of telling him what I wanted or needed. On the contrary, Ben was very open from the first day we had met. Ben knew he liked me so he would tell me that he thought I was gorgeous and how he wanted to date me. I had always been so shy about my feelings because I was worried that I was going to be turned down so I just shut down.
When Ben and I were dating he noticed that I was not communicating affectively so he sat me down and asked why I could not express my feelings. I honestly did not know why I couldn’t communicate well on certain topics but I was open to change. Ben worked with me everyday on how to express my feelings and it started to work. I noticed that our relationship was starting to blossom and we were bonding and getting along so well.
I think that it is important to establish open and healthy communication at the beginning of your relationship. I know that having venerable conversations are hard but once you have them, your relationship will get so much stronger. Telling your partner your wants and needs are vital because that is how you are going to be happy in your relationship.
Communication within your marriage
Once you get married or start living with your partner, you will realize that communication is the most important part to having a successful relationship. You need to be open about what you want/need in your sex life, household responsibilities, parenting styles, etc. But sometimes a simple conversation such as you telling your husband he needs to do the dishes turns out to be an hour long fight.
A common argument that Ben and I have is about camping. I hate camping and I think that it is the most miserable activity ever, but my husband has a passion for it. David Burns wrote a book about communication and how to deal with problems in a healthy way. There are five steps to his process and if you follow these five steps then you and your spouse will have a healthier relationship.
The first step is called the disarming technique which means finding the kernel of truth. For example, Ben got mad at me because I bailed on another camping trip. Instead of me getting mad at him and saying how I hate camping, I simply say, ‘’You are right, I did bail on another camping trip and I am sorry that I did that.”
The second step is to express empathy. I have to realize that Ben was probably feeling hurt, sad, mad, and frustrated that I do not want to go camping. I am feeling mad, annoyed, and sad that I do not like the same hobby that my husband does. I then tell Ben, “Your must be feeling frustrated that I bailed on another camping trip.”
The third step is inquiry and to talk more about the subject. I could tell Ben, “Maybe I do bail a lot and shut your camping trips down, what do you think?” Ben and I will then talk about our feelings on the subject of camping.
The forth step is called when/ I feel or have felt/ Because/ I would like. For example, “When you told me that we were going camping this weekend I felt worried and anxious because I get scared when I sleep in the middle if no where. I would like us to find a way where I could feel more comfortable while camping, maybe car camping?”
The fifth step is to express genuine or authentic appreciation. I could tell my husband, “I love you and I love that you are so passionate about camping. I know that I do not love it but I would love to go on more hikes with you. Thank you for being so patient with me about this subject, I really appreciate it.”